Getting me to express my feelings is difficult at times. If I have to you, then I have developed a trust with you. I usually hide behind them, ignore them, or cover them with a pretty weak smile.
This morning I have been reading devotions, blogs, inspirational posts, and a divine intervention happened at my little house upon the hill.
I have been asking for 'signs', literally begging for a change, searching high and low for a 'break'. When all along it was right there in front me. Literally ripping out my heart. Happiness.
Happiness with me, with my life, with everything, most importantly with God. I have been lacking in all of the above. I have continuously dwelled in my own life 'disasters.' Unable to move forward from many things that I was certain had devastated my life. No more. Aside from 'clean eating', this year I WILL devote myself into seeking God more. I have had to realize I simply cannot handle ANYTHING without him. I thought I could manage SOME things alone, but thats impossible. I cannot change what has happened. I cannot create things that will never be. But what I CAN do is focus on the things that GOD has made possible, focus on the things that HE has created. ACCEPT the CHANGE that has happened. I can turn every negative situation that the devil has developed into a positive one that God is apart of. I can make that choice. That is what I am allowed to have control over.
'You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.’ - Acts 2:28
In the following post, I am going to be vulnerable. Please respect that.
This time last year I was 8 months pregnant, my husband didn't have a job, he had been accused of something he did not do, I was off on maternity leave, we had no income,& my parents had went from being happily married for 28 years to divorced, in literally a blink of an eye. My dad had a new girlfriend. My sister was engaged to be married, and my big ball of a belly and insanely emotional hormones were just trying to cope & function, at best.
I have had a difficult time. I have fought battles that were hard. But I am here, one year late, alive and ready for tomorrow. I am here with a husband who has stood strong for himself. Who overcame and moved forward. I have a healthy 11 month old boy that brings my husband and I so much joy its insane. I now have a brother in law who loves my sister and has for 8 years. My husband and I both have jobs. We have a family and he is still the same prince that gave me butterflies in 2008.
You see, as I have looked back on things this morning, in late 2012/ early 2013 I was drowning in negative things. Struggling to seek good in any of the situations I listed above. But God stuck by me. Even in my biggest stage of doubt. He quieted me and told me to only "Be Still, for he is GOD." I obeyed (& even though it was hard) the end result was that 2013 ended up being a pretty good year. One that I have sadly almost over looked. I have been so consumed with the 'bad things' that happened in 2012 that, I never took time to see the good things happening in 2013. They were missed. I have caused my husband to miss things, my child to miss things, & I am sure many others, because I have continuously focused on the bad things. If I have had that impact on anyone reading this, I am truly sorry. It was not my intention. Its just much easier to feel sorry for yourself or be sad than to work hard at being happy. But thats my goal for this beautiful New Year. Watch & see.
As humans it is so easy to get caught up in what we do not have[I know I do]. Even those of us who seem to "have it all." I have learned my joy will NEVER come from material things such as through a job, or money, or finances, or the vehicle I drive, the clothes I wear, or the house I live in. Those things do not do me any good in my walk for Christ, or for my salvation, or for my happiness. So what, things may stink at my job right now. It may not be exactly what I want, or where I want to be in 5 years, but its where I am. I have to accept that. I have to focus on the fact that its not my place to see it now, but to appreciate it later, when God's plan is revealed. I had the hardest time moving and 'settling' down in Butler, I have spent a lot of time focusing on what is not here, choosing not to really make friends or mingle with people because I do not plan on staying long. But guess what? 5 years later I am still here. Whether or not I like it. Trust me, this was a slap in the face for me more than anyone else. I sure do hope to have a larger home one day, live in a larger city, be closer to my family & my friends, for my husband and I to have different jobs, with more money, with more benefits, more opportunities. But that is just it. Fast forward to that time. To that day when all these "dreams" come true, even then will I be happy? Will contentment find me. Will I be fulfilled? No. Because those things come and go. Those things change. Those things are only temporary.
They're materialistic and at the same time unrealistic when you're seeking happiness.
"Do not love the world or the things that belong to the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in him. For everything that belongs to the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride in one’s lifestyle—is not from the Father, but is from the world. And the world with its lust is passing away, but the one who does God’s will remains forever."
-1 John 2:15-17
So here I am. In this situation that isn't IDEAL to me. But is perfect to GOD. So today, I am thankful for my job. I love taking care of people. It rewards my soul. I love being needed. Even if, at the end of the day my back aches from turning a 300lb person multiple times, or my feet are blistered because I ran up and down the hall literally all day, or I realize I never stopped once to use the bathroom, maybe during all of that, I made someone else's day. Or I can rest easy knowing that one day Ill put my kids through school with all of my hard work. I am going to focus on a house that has no mortgage payments. Though its old and needs work, its one less bill I have to worry with. Its warm and we have made it our home. I get to hear my beautiful son's voice cackle and jibber jabber all over it. Soon I will hear the pitter patter of his feet and this 'small, old house, on the hill' will be a mansion to me. I will fill it with things that are irreplaceable; memories of my husband and I and our marriage, memories of my son, and other children. Memories of MY family.
Today I am choosing to be grateful for where I am. I am no longer allowing the devil to make me focus on what is not happening, what I am not doing, where were not going. I am choosing to allow GOD to lead me and let me follow as I should have been doing all along. It is so much easier to be negative. If we could allow one positive thought to consume our minds daily, it could change the outlook of an entire day. I am choosing to be encouraging. To be empowered by God.
I am going to spend more time in his word, because that is the ultimate book that states our plan for life.
We have to learn to stay positive in a negative world. Together.
Until next time, Enjoy.
